best joke

[only6]

remember your welcome to list any type of joke here, no holds barred all in good fun...

[ET]

Knock Knock hello come in

[Casssandra]

;D Okay I suck at posting ........ here is a great joke.....




A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Harry, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,"Hi Harry"

Okay this one is really sick........but well this is xschat .....


Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[Obi]

What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?


George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam...



*Pleast Note: Obi is a Liberal and cannot curb her anti-Bush feelings. Sorry*

[ColoradoGuy]

lol thats no excuse but I still liked the joke

[Obi]

Excuses, excuses.

[xschat.com]

1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

2.) Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

3.) Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.

4.) Male: So, what do you do for a living.
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

5.) Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.

6.) Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

7.) Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

8.) Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you please stay there?

9.) Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing

[Cajunbrowneyes]

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Partner Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time:

** Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
** Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
** Put M&M's on lay away.
** Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
** Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
** When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?
** Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
** While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.
** Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.
** Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible'.
** In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
** Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
** When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position
and mumble 'It's those voices again'.
** Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'
;D

[only6]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[Drakkar]

Strip Club

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."

[Cajunbrowneyes]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,


A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,


B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

[Drakkar]

lol and isn't that what we've known for years based on many of those we all know